{"product_id":"dungeon-crawler-inspired-parody-wooden-christmas-ornament","title":"Dungeon Crawler Inspired Parody Wooden Christmas Ornament","description":"\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"1\"\u003eOh, look at you. Standing there, staring stupidly at a glowing rectangle like a hairless ape trying to solve a puzzle box built by a lobotomized toddler. You’re shivering. Is it the cold, or is it the crushing, existential dread of knowing your pathetic life has amounted to a series of uninspired holiday traditions? Well, good news, crawler. Here is a brand-new psychological torture device for your little tree: \u003cb data-path-to-node=\"1\" data-index-in-node=\"415\"\u003eParody Wood Slice Ornaments inspired by your favorite chaotic litrpg crawl.\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"2\"\u003ePoints awarded: Fifty thousand. \u003ci data-path-to-node=\"2\" data-index-in-node=\"32\"\u003eAchievement unlocked: \"Parody Protection.\"\u003c\/i\u003e You bought a piece of dead tree carved with internet memes. Mongo is appalled. In fact, Mongo is currently vomiting a half-digested goblin onto your favorite slippers.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"3\"\u003eListen up, you unwashed degenerate. You want to hang these splintering little monuments to independent survival on your pine needles? Fine. Here are your choices before the syndicate blows your floor up:\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul data-path-to-node=\"4\"\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"4,0,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"4,0,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003e\"Don’t Gaslight Me Jesus\"\u003c\/b\u003e – Featuring a cat wearing a crown and a look of existential hatred. She's judging you. She knows what you did under the bleachers in 2014.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"4,1,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"4,1,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003e\"Mongo is Appalled\"\u003c\/b\u003e – A terrifying, scaled nightmare wearing holiday knitwear. If you don't buy this one, Mongo wins, and by wins, I mean he eats your spleen.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"4,2,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"4,2,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003e\"This, I Thought, This Is My Family\"\u003c\/b\u003e – A majestic portrait of dysfunction. Because nothing says \"family bonding\" quite like a man in boxers, a dinosaur, and a psychotic Persian cat standing in a winter wonderland of absolute terror.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"5\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"5\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eThe Details:\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul data-path-to-node=\"6\"\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"6,0,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"6,0,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eMaterial:\u003c\/b\u003e Real, authentic wood slices with natural bark edges. Because nothing screams \"immersion\" like dead flora wrapped in a shiny red ribbon. Each disk is between 3\" and 4\" in diameter.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"6,1,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"6,1,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eEngraving:\u003c\/b\u003e Deep, permanent laser-etching. It will outlast your marriage, your credit score, and the collapse of the North American power grid.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"6,2,0\"\u003e\u003cb data-path-to-node=\"6,2,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eThe Fine Print:\u003c\/b\u003e These items are entirely independent, transformative works of parody art inspired by popular dungeon-crawling litrpg tropes. They are not officially endorsed by, partnered with, or affiliated with any specific author or publisher.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"7\"\u003eAdd it to your cart, crawler. Do it now. The crawtimers are ticking, and trust me—you don't want to see what happens when the countdown hits zero.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"1393Productions","offers":[{"title":"Unimpressed Feline Monarch \/ No Text on Back","offer_id":54664099135806,"sku":null,"price":10.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Unimpressed Feline Monarch \/ Text on back","offer_id":54664098414910,"sku":null,"price":15.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Unimpressed Feline Monarch \/ Image on back","offer_id":54664098447678,"sku":null,"price":20.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Festive Dino Menace \/ No Text on Back","offer_id":54664099168574,"sku":null,"price":10.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Festive Dino Menace \/ Text on back","offer_id":54664098480446,"sku":null,"price":15.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Festive Dino Menace \/ Image on back","offer_id":54664098513214,"sku":null,"price":20.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Dysfunctional Adventuring Party \/ No Text on Back","offer_id":54664099201342,"sku":null,"price":10.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Dysfunctional Adventuring Party \/ Text on back","offer_id":54664098545982,"sku":null,"price":15.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Dysfunctional Adventuring Party \/ Image on back","offer_id":54664098578750,"sku":null,"price":20.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"All Three \/ No Text on Back","offer_id":54664099234110,"sku":null,"price":25.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"All Three \/ Text on back","offer_id":54664098611518,"sku":null,"price":38.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"All Three \/ Image on back","offer_id":54664098644286,"sku":null,"price":50.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0776\/6543\/5966\/files\/DCC_1.jpg?v=1792421358","url":"https:\/\/1393productions.com\/products\/dungeon-crawler-inspired-parody-wooden-christmas-ornament","provider":"1393Productions","version":"1.0","type":"link"}